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20 May 2013 @ 07:00 am
Chatter Post: Mon, May 19, 2013  
G'morning, loves!

Yep, another Monday morning.  These weekends fly by far too quickly for me.  I miss teaching, when I had all my days off in one big lump -- although I remember basically sleeping the first month of summer to catch up.

A few reminders!
- The Week 4 Topic is here!
- Editors!  Thar be Edits!
- Your daily eye candy

I called my friend the other day. She wasn't there, so I left a message.

I haven't called her much lately. Part of the reason is because she had agreed to be part of my wedding ceremony and arrived more than an hour late, missing her role completely, while still managing to be one of the first to leave. No call, e-mail, or text to anyone to say she was running late happened. She didn't say goodbye to Jessi on the way out.

But another, larger, more chronic reason is that I don't like her boyfriend. Or virtually any boyfriend she's had so far since I've met her.

I mean, these guys are just terrible to her, and she openly admits it. They lie to her, disrespect her, ignore her, abandon her in London, use her, and turn a blind and insensitive eye to her needs, wishes, and dreams. She will sacrifice, and has sacrificed, just about everything she has for these guys, and to me, it's nothing but pearls before swine.

She was in the state when she came late to the wedding – staying with her latest beau. She claims to have left an hour early – the trip should have taken her about an hour, but by those calculations, it took more than three hours late. She was the only person who arrived late to the wedding.

So in my eyes, clearly, the reason she was late has something to do with this guy. This pale, sketchy looking dude (and not just by my accounts) that didn't talk to me or anyone else at the wedding, who she described beforehand as a “southern gentleman”. I feel confident enough that this is his fault that I'm positive that it is. I mean, she let him do it, but I'm sure he's at the source of the issue somewhere.

They're engaged now, and given how I feel about the circumstances, I just can't quite bring myself to hear her talk about him. I don't want to know how he makes her miserable, or how she should leave him, or how she'll never leave him. I especially don't want to hear about how they're getting married.

There's a big part of me that's blaming myself for all this. Maybe I shouldn't have put her in that position in the first place. And maybe I should just suck it up, forgive my friend, and be over with it. And I am trying to do that, but it's just that this is the one thing I really needed to count on her to come through with, and now that she hasn't, I find that I've lost the energy to pour into those long sessions where she understands the problem in its every facet yet lacks whatever it is she needs to do what she says is healthy for her. Courage? Self confidence? Self respect? I'm sure.

So I feel like I've lost a lot of this friendship, and it's largely his fault. And this isn't the first time something like this has happened – I can think of at least one other time in my life that I let a friend's bad significant other drive me away, as well as one time when a friend pushed me to break up with Jessi (now my wife), and that caused me to eventually break off the friendship.

Is this situation unique to me, or have you been in this situation yourself?Am I wrong or unusual to feel the way I do about this?

Has a friend's significant other ever lead to the ending of that friendship?
Current Mood: Wearily anticipating the week
Current Music: Afternoon Delight - Starland Vocal Band
Katniliwen on May 20th, 2013 03:25 pm (UTC)
I've dealt with this twice. The first was when one of my closest friends (one of the girls I affectionately refer to as my amies) got together with the most difficult guy in our college class. To say the gentleman was obnoxious would be putting it mildly; he literally made an enemy in half his classes during college, and his abrasive manners meant that he was usually short on groupmates. For a while I could not bear to hang out with my dear friend since the guy was always with her, and we'd end up fighting in front of everyone. However I mellowed down, he shaped up, and now we are at least on friendly terms for as long as he doesn't intrude on 'girls day out' with high school buddies, and as long as we both act like mature adults. I'm half-expecting them to get married in a few years.

The second (and nastier) incident was when the jerk who was courting my sister was actually cheating on her....with another friend of mine. The 'third party', a girl I shall call D, had no quarrel with me. Ever. But out of respect to my sister and out of anger at the two-timer, I kept my distance. D confronted me about it during a youth conference, asking why I was not as 'warm' as usual. I could not bring myself to tell her that I was staying away because of my sister and the guy. D and I never really fought but we've never been on warm terms. The guy in question eventually broke up with D, and that was the last I heard of her.
Innana88innana88 on May 20th, 2013 05:04 pm (UTC)
All the choices ultimately come down to your friend. You really can't blame her beau. Even if he wanted her to put him before your wedding, she would have had to agree to this unless he had her tied up or otherwise physically prevented her from going.

She hasn't been a friend to you because she's chosen someone else as her priority. That's reason enough to end a friendship.

Don't blame yourself, hon. *hugs*

And, yes, I had a friend like this a while back. I ultimately just chose to accept that this was how he was and enjoyed what time I did spend with him. I knew I could never count on him for anything and didn't. I don't think that is necessarily the easiest route, but it worked for us.
betweenthelynesbetweenthelynes on May 25th, 2013 05:49 am (UTC)
Has a friend's significant other ever lead to the ending of that friendship?
Not that I can remember, no. However, I do scale back my friendships sometimes because a significant other is a dirtbag. :D
Yeah, it's hard to do - especially if you love the friend. But friends never listen even when they ask when you advise them that their significant other isn't the greatest person for them. *shrugs*
I avoid friends a lot, anyway, but have a really hard time with it when I don't like their SO - only because I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut about it. ;)\

I'm sorry this happened in your friendship. My sympathies.